Written August 2, 2008
***Warning: This post may sound whiny and selfish. Do not read if you can't handle it.
Why is it that everyone around me is having children, or has already had them, when I want one of my own so badly? Everywhere I look I find someone who is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or has just had a child. I find myself getting so jealous of these people. I stare at their bellies or children and wonder why I don't have what they have.
I am such a lucky person. I have an amazing family that loves me very much. They are supportive, encouraging, and caring. I have in-laws that anyone would be lucky to have. They love me like their own and support me in everything I do. I have a great house, a wonderful job, and awesome friends. Most of all, I have a the perfect husband. Dan is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. He is loving, respectful, hardworking, intelligent, supportive, encouraging, funny, and an amazing spouse. He loves me so much and shows it in so many ways.
With all of these wonderful things in my life, why am I jealous of the mothers around me? Shouldn't I be perfectly content with all of the great things I've been given? Why do I feel like such a horrible person for being so jealous? How can I change my feelings?
Here's the story. Thus far it sounds as though Dan and I have been trying to conceive and have been having difficulties. This is not the case. Dan and I (more so him than me) have decided to hold off on having children until he gets his Bachelors degree. This is the smart thing for us to do. I know this is the best thing for both of us, but why is it so hard for me to accept? I love my husband more than anything. I want to support him in all his decisions and dreams. I want him to be happy. I want US to be happy (and we are... don't get me wrong!) I don't want him feeling guilty for getting his degree, but I also want him to know how badly I want children now. How most of the time I don't want to put off my dreams of being a mother so that he can have his dream of getting a Civil Engineering degree. I feel as though I have to hide my feelings so that he won't feel guilty and give up his dream. I don't want to hold him back, but I don't want to put my dreams on hold either. What in the world do I do?
I am asking you God for guidance. Please guide Dan and me in the right direction. I know you have a plan for us. Please grant me the ability to accept it and to be happy and content with my wonderful life. You will bless us with children when it is my time to be a mother. Please help me with my journey and give me strength.